Where's Amelia?

OOOOOOh I have been... I dunno, just being...

Getting settled into my life... trying to fill the time..

Now that I'm single I have twice as much work to do.. I'm busy. At the same time I have a lot of time to myself at home. I feel like I'm constantly cleaning, cooking, washing...ahhhh life as a mother. Beyond that I have accomplished a few household projects... staining and building a shelf to hang up a 6 foot piece of glass artwork... I stained my bedside table from an unfinished beech wood to a beautiful cherry mahogany.. 

been hanging out when I can... I am so grateful for these times I have been having, creating closer friendships... I am so blessed with the amazing people in my life..

My trip to California way back when..was JUST what I needed..I spent so much quality time with old friends and got spend time with my family..lotsa of sunshine, the best trip to Disneyland EVER..and a day of sailing.. absolute bliss.. so much has time passed so quickly it already seems like forever ago..

Anastasia is her usual amazing self.. I'm a lucky mommy.

My heart has been mended with plastic surgery stitches.. that's means minimal scarring..I feel strong and have been LOVING all of this time I have had for me.  While I am not sure what the future has in store for me...I don't know.. maybe I am ready to explore my heart's possibilities???? 

maybe.

can't.sit.still.

i am leaving for So Cal in 4 hours. 

Going home always gives me a certain amount of anxiety, but today.. I am a wreck. I had to leave work early cause I felt nervous/nausea.

I need a valium.

It's not that I think the trip is going to suck, I think I am going to have a great time.. but still..this is excessive...

anywhoo.. hopefully I have a great story to tell when i get back..

xoxo

in the meantime

I'm learning my new life.
Creating endless projects to keep myself busy.
I have list of home furnishing I need to buy(new bed set, rice cooker, buffet table).. and some i just plain want (fancy cookware, high thread count sheets, extra fluffy pillowtop for the mattress i need to buy).
I take several cooking classes through out the year. I have recipe packets everywhere. I have decided to transpose all the recipes on to recipe cards and keep them all in a recipe box.
I have been spending lots of time with Anastasia trying to keep her mind off things and keep her positive. dreaming up new things to do with her.
I want to cook more, be more organized, have more fun, be a better friend, and to love myself more.

currently

as you go
part of me wants to scream
"no, don't leave"
and yet
there is still another part of me
holding it back.

wow.

nothing like getting broke up via text message. go me.

SO Cute.

Catching Asia dancing crazy in her room to the Rhianna c.d.

I love her.

when lame situations ruin good pictures

I have like half a dozen pictures I want to delete of my myspace.
why?
Cause I have several group pictures with a person in them I am no longer friends with. But I am still friends with all the rest of the people in the picture. I love the pictures and everyone else in them but it annoys me when I have to see the pictures cause I used to think it was so great.

So sad it took me so long

to eat here!
I will say I have been pretty sad about Daly's Drive-in closing, but this new spot just might help me with my mourning. I ordered a cheese burger, onion rings, and a chocolate peanut butter malt. I removed the tomato and lettuce and put the onion rings on the burger and added bbq sauce. (aka my version of Carl's Jr. Bacon Western Cheeseburger, the nearest Carl's Jr. is 3 hours away)
They use natural hormone free beef, are free of trans fat, flamed broiled , and Wednesdays are half off from 3-9pm. My meal was delicious and cheap! They have a kobe beef burger option for $3 and veggie options for the veggies out there. They offer milkshakes, malts and beer including Newcastle and Pabst... awesome.

http://www.bluemoonburgers.com/

Dear Loser,

While you are off buying yourself a plane ticket to San Diego, I have just spent over $400 buying OUR daughter a new bedroom set, and I am paying for her to fly down to SoCal, see YOUR family and stay on the beach for a few days, oh yeah I'm taking her to Disneyland too..

This would be a whole lot easier if you would help out with child support once in awhile.. I mean even your usual and measly $100 a month, but as it is I haven't recieved any help for months.

But hey, have a good time in San Diego.

A rare rant about Capitol Hill

There is not much I dislike about living on Capitol Hill but I have a couple things that really bug me...

1. People who do not utilize the curb well when parallel parking.

C'mon if you live on the Hill, you know how shitty parking can be. I have friends who won't come over because of the parking... But don't park and leave 8 feet between you and the sign that says "do not park east of here". Utilize the ENTIRE space, park as close to that sign as possible and create more space for people behind you.

2. People who do not pick up their dog shit.

This is by far the most important one. What would we do if humans just starting shitting on the sidewalks. IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!! Do not own a pet if you cannot be courteous enough to pick up after it. And the worst thing, people who just let their dog's shit on the sidewalk and leave it...... on the SIDEWALK!!! not even in the grass. That is just WRONG WRONG WRONG!!! (yes I am stamping my feet right now)
There is this person who let their dog dump on the sidewalk in front of the driveway. My neighbor's car then ran over is repeatedly. I was carrying groceries home and set my canvas bag down... in dog shit. Asia jumped in my car and brought dog shit in there. You see my point.

So there it is.. my rare Capitol Hill rant. Otherwise, I sing it's praises cause I love my 'hood.

I have decided that I will not be able to walk away from my relationship with E unless I know I have exhausted all efforts to make it work.
So here I am at my final idea.
Counseling.
I asked him if he as willing and he was hesitant at first but then came around.
=/

Life's little perfections

I love Seattle early in the morning. It's such a sleepy city, you can be driving around at 10 am, no one is out with exception to few early bird coffee grabbers and joggers. Capitol Hill is so peaceful.

I had the morning all to myself. These are rare moments. I lazed around and grabbed coffee at Ladro, got ready and treated myself to brunch and a mimosa at Smith. It was lovely to sit and stare out the window and read my magazine and just enjoy being.

must do.

A few co workers and I went to Tilth Restaurant in Wallingford for dinner a few weeks back. We are still talking about it to this day. I highly recomend the duck sliders. I think it was the best burger I ever had period.

http://tilthrestaurant.com/menu.htm

I forgot how much this hurts

Realizing that your relationship may have run it's course. Having "the talk". And the dam that broke upon coming to terms with that reality. I am scared. not gonna lie. I forgot how much heart break hurts, I am scared to pick up the pieces and I am scared to go at it alone. I am scared of losing my best friend. I am scared to truly be a single parent again, you have been so amazing. How can I be sure I am not making the biggest mistake of my life?

it has begun

Anastasia ordered Girl Scout Cookies without my authorization and came home last night and told me I owed Tiara $10 for them. I said I don't remember ordering cookies. She said "I ordered two boxes of Samoas, cause I know those are your favorites."
I thought to myself "good thinking" and told her next time to tell me ahead of time.
I pick her up from school and the first thing out of her mouth is, "I got the cookies and I ate almost a whole box" oh man she was so guilty.
Not only did she eat her whole share of the cookies but she didn't even wait till she got home, now she gets no cookies in her lunch, for dessert. And she is grounded from sweet anything for 2 weeks.
and then
she just got out of the shower and she shaved one of her legs and mysteriously cut the back of her knee, althjough she swears that she didn't shave the back of her leg. She said some story about how she fell and maybe she slipped on the razor..... uh huh.
I had been allowing her to listen to music while she showered, now she is grounded form that too.

Anastasia Anecdote #1

Asia: Mom What's the highest scoring game in baseball?

Me: I don't know

Asia: Do you know anyone who does know?

Me: Uh... the internet?

Fibromyagia, you win. for now.

Last night I passed out at like 8:30. Typically I am the girl who cannot sleep before 11. Woke up this morning, basic things are very difficult and very painful. And being in the office at 6:30 am, yeah that's painful too.
Right now, coffee is my hero. I made a freakin awesome latte if I do say so myself.

sole provider

I am the Sole Provider for an amazing almost 9 year old girl. I hate saying that I am a "single mom", cause there is not much truth to that. While yes, I am the (mostly) financial sole provider, I am engaged to E, he is a perfect father figure in her life. We live together so his presense in her life is constant and more importantly, his commitment to be a great father to her is constant. They are amazing together.
Her father (V) just moved here about 6 months ago. *sigh* It's been an adjustment. He has been mostly absent for the couple years. He's coming off a coke habit and wants to be back in her life with all these big beautiful plans. And just like always the big beautiful plans fall apart with a billion excuses as to why. But to try to be positive - He is here, off the blow (at least, I hope he is), has a stable job, and I'm not quite sure if he has a place yet, but he has been comfortably couch surfing for the last few months. I have recieved about $100/month in support, but it's sporadic. But really $100 in the land of parenting is chump change. He's trying, and I totally respect that. He is a bigger presence in her life than he has been. I just want him to try a little harder, alot harder. We will get there, it'll just take time. I hope.
So I can't really claim the term "single mom". I do almost everything . The planning her life, PTA stuff, I pay ALL her expenses, etc etc. The only thing I don't do is drive her to school (cause either E or V does that)
So Sole Provider, I would claim "single mom" if E wasn't in my life.

heh. figures.

I had felt inspired to share myself and had this blog (poorly, I'm sure) written out. Somehow I accidently deleted the entire thing. Interweb Gods telling me that I suck. I had to write somthing just have not lost it in vain.
I have been kind of a sour puss or the last couple month. not sure if it's seasonal bullshit or what. I have just felt uninspired in life. Maybe I am still mourning the loss of my good friend.
Took some time off work and rested through the holidays, I'm feeling much better. My soul feels lighter. I was feeling so numb and disconnected. I kept thinking it would pass and it just kept going.
le sigh
I had some internal conflicts going on for awhile. I have spent the last year nuturing a new friendship. Spending time, long talks, getting to know them. Friendships. They are like dating! So yeah, turns out, this person slowly has revealed themselves to not be what/who they say they are. Reveal themselves to actually not be a good person at all (in my estimation). The slow break up of a friendship because the other party won't even communicate with me, even when I have done nothing but be an awesome friend to this person.
meh.
so I have come to the decision that it's over. and it hurts like breaking up with a boyfriend.